Yet again I find myself awake and ranting about one thing or another. Now when I rant I tend to keep things a little on the biased side. I leave out personal feeling and what's been going on in my life. This time is different. I need to vent and this is the venue for such things.

Lately I've found myself going through a stage of self pity. I've had this happen to me before...it's not a rare occurrence by any means. But this time is different. It feels almost like four years back. A feeling I thought I had put behind me...

For those of you that don't know, I went trough a two year stage of clinically diagnosed depression four years ago. It was the worst two years of my existence and it literally pained me to wake up in the morning. It mortified me to look in a mirror and suicidal thoughts dwindled through my mind on the simplest of whims. It almost killed me.

I now feel the same way. Not quite that strong but I'm getting feelings similar to the beginning of that two year darkness. I suppose this is where I start to explain why. But I warn you, it will be quite vague. I don't endeavor to share my problems with others...especially when they include people I care for.

Lately, my other half has been going through a few rough spots in her life. I won't say what, but needless to say she's been emotional of late. For those of you that know her, this isn't exactly all that common. Her attitude is usually very level and cheerful. Now she snaps at me for the strangest of reasons and cries her head off over things that would normally never bother her.

In addition, my family is going through a bit of a monetary crisis. They live paycheck to paycheck and often call on me for aid in some cases. This isn't made easier when I'm still trying to pay off my credit card as well as rent, insurance, the utilities and food.

This can seem overwhelming to some...a cake walk to most...but these things in themselves aren't my problems. I can and have dealt with them. Money isn't an issue for me and Kitty won't be this way forever. No, these simple things aren't enough to drive me to the edge of depression...

...it's a realization I had. Everyone in my life looks to me. I'm the glue that holds it all together. They all look to me to be brave...to be strong. But how can I do that? How can I carry the world on my shoulders? I've never thought of myself as a strong person...matter of fact I've always thought I was rather weak. But they ask me to be strong. Not directly, of course. My father hasn't approached me asking "son, I need you to be strong for everyone". They've done it through action...through thought.

I've always reveled being called an adult. I cherish the responsibility that comes with it and think that I have lived up to it rather nicely. But being asked...nay, TOLD...to carry the world on my back is overstepping things.

Oh, and don't mind the title of this journal. It was just meant to grab your attention. Nice, huh? It must have worked if you got this far. It's strange, really...I talk to you all as if you were here with me. As if you cared about my problems. As if you were my friends. But in times of hardship...one starts to question the word "friendship". Don't take me for an ungrateful fool. I merely wonder how many true friends I still carry on the world-wide-web. I don't visit much...so I don't blame you for choosing otherwise. I guess I just cherish things like friendship in times like this.

I rather appreciate the song I'm listening to at the time. "Love Hurts" by Incubus. give it a listen sometime...tell me if you like it.

-Flantics out