Yet again I find myself awake and ranting about one thing or another. Now when I rant I tend to keep things a little on the biased side. I leave out personal feeling and what's been going on in my life. This time is different. I need to vent and this is the venue for such things.

Lately I've found myself going through a stage of self pity. I've had this happen to me before...it's not a rare occurrence by any means. But this time is different. It feels almost like four years back. A feeling I thought I had put behind me...

For those of you that don't know, I went trough a two year stage of clinically diagnosed depression four years ago. It was the worst two years of my existence and it literally pained me to wake up in the morning. It mortified me to look in a mirror and suicidal thoughts dwindled through my mind on the simplest of whims. It almost killed me.

I now feel the same way. Not quite that strong but I'm getting feelings similar to the beginning of that two year darkness. I suppose this is where I start to explain why. But I warn you, it will be quite vague. I don't endeavor to share my problems with others...especially when they include people I care for.

Lately, my other half has been going through a few rough spots in her life. I won't say what, but needless to say she's been emotional of late. For those of you that know her, this isn't exactly all that common. Her attitude is usually very level and cheerful. Now she snaps at me for the strangest of reasons and cries her head off over things that would normally never bother her.

In addition, my family is going through a bit of a monetary crisis. They live paycheck to paycheck and often call on me for aid in some cases. This isn't made easier when I'm still trying to pay off my credit card as well as rent, insurance, the utilities and food.

This can seem overwhelming to some...a cake walk to most...but these things in themselves aren't my problems. I can and have dealt with them. Money isn't an issue for me and Kitty won't be this way forever. No, these simple things aren't enough to drive me to the edge of depression...

...it's a realization I had. Everyone in my life looks to me. I'm the glue that holds it all together. They all look to me to be brave...to be strong. But how can I do that? How can I carry the world on my shoulders? I've never thought of myself as a strong person...matter of fact I've always thought I was rather weak. But they ask me to be strong. Not directly, of course. My father hasn't approached me asking "son, I need you to be strong for everyone". They've done it through action...through thought.

I've always reveled being called an adult. I cherish the responsibility that comes with it and think that I have lived up to it rather nicely. But being asked...nay, TOLD...to carry the world on my back is overstepping things.

Oh, and don't mind the title of this journal. It was just meant to grab your attention. Nice, huh? It must have worked if you got this far. It's strange, really...I talk to you all as if you were here with me. As if you cared about my problems. As if you were my friends. But in times of hardship...one starts to question the word "friendship". Don't take me for an ungrateful fool. I merely wonder how many true friends I still carry on the world-wide-web. I don't visit much...so I don't blame you for choosing otherwise. I guess I just cherish things like friendship in times like this.

I rather appreciate the song I'm listening to at the time. "Love Hurts" by Incubus. give it a listen sometime...tell me if you like it.

-Flantics out

It’s strangely neurotic to find myself here again. Awake late one night with nothing better to do except post a new journal. I guess it’s an escape to me...some kind of emotional comfort blanket or drug for the soul.

I suppose my excuse for being up late once more is my new bed that Kitty and I recently purchased. We used to sleep on a double...crammed together in a possession I found to be comfortably uncomfortable (don’t ask how that works). But now we have a queen. For those of you that don’t know, a queen-sized bed is six inches larger then a double. Basically, it’s like shifting from sleeping on a cot to sleeping on an open prairie made of soft cotton and foam.

This shift, however has thrown my norm into whack. I am a creature of habit...when I have gotten used to one thing, it is physically and emotionally difficult for me to change over to something else. A good example would be my preference in instant messengers. I started out using and enjoying Yahoo. Ages ago, however, I switched over to MSN. The change was gradual and took much coaxing from my friends. After getting used to it, however, it has been ages since I’ve last been on Yahoo...frankly, I’m not even sure I still have it on my computer.

That being said, imagine how I would react to a completely new bed. My old bed was mine long before I began dating Kitty. So my sleeping habits had carved a nice little nitch into the bed itself, a crease that cradled me much like a mother does her child. This, of course, was not very healthy for my back. But what did I care? It was comfortable! However, after Kitty began complaining of back pain after work (with a frequency not unlike a broken record) I decided it was time to search for a replacement.

Don’t get me wrong...sleeping on that sucker is like sleeping on clouds with an angel embracing me from behind. I sleep (for lack of a better analogy) like a baby! When I awake it actually FEELS like I slept. It actually gives me some semblance of rest. A feeling I have not felt on my old bed for quite some time. However, being the creature of habit I am, it takes me some deal of time to actually fall into that state of slumber. I cannot blame anyone but myself for this. Regardless, it is still my excuse for being here now.

As I write this I tend to have a thought, though. A contemplation of sorts. My thought is “who the hell actually READS this shit?” That is to say, I have a hard time grasping the idea of someone actually enjoying my rants. It seems like all I’ve done lately is complain about one thing or another and post it here to accost your eyes. Ironic, though...this paragraph itself is hypocritical in many ways.

That bit of irony aside, I have a favor to ask anyone that reads my rants. From now on, should time allow you, if you read one of my rants all the way through post a comment. I can’t begin to explain to you how much I enjoy knowing that my words have not fallen on deaf ears. Just humor old Flantics here. We all know he’s already losing his mind...hell, he’s talking in third person. That should be proof enough alone!

Remember, people...it’s always good to see the flaws in yourself. After all...how can you improve if you don’t know what there is to improve on?

Stay thirsty my friends,
-Flantics out

This feels somehow familiar. Here I sit at my computer one late night finding it hard to drag myself into slumber. Only this time I have no partner to lure me back...no loving arms to fall into and forget about life with. No, for this is the second to last night of loneliness before my other half returns from a two week trek to California. I never knew that I would miss her voice calling me back to bed when my keyboard strokes awoke her. But how I long for her voice now.

Today was rough. In many ways I thought it would be a great day. It started out with me feeling refreshed and well rested. A feeling not often known by my body of late. So with that, the day was starting great. I soon came to realize that I was late on my phone bill, however, and had to deal with half the day without any communication whatsoever. Upon paying it I got a message from work saying they needed my help at the office today...a fact that, would I have paid my phone bill, I would have seen soon enough to make a difference and had a chance to make more money. Instead I come to find that another employee (one that is seeking the same management position I have been pursuing since my hire date) decided to cover it for me...this no doubt has given him a good name for the hire-ups...joy.

I then tried to spend the day with a friend. All of which, however, were busy in one way or another. The only friend that could hang out couldn't hang out until later...better then nothing. After hanging out (boring as hell considering we had NOTHING to do) I made my way back home. On the way back home, however, I am pulled over by a police officer. An officer that was, no doubt, looking to fulfill his quota for the month...because the reason I was pulled over was for my FUCKING REGISTRATION BEING EXPIRED!!! Not speeding, not doing something stupid...no...that would have made sense...this asshole had to pull me over because my registration was over dew by TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!!!

The day ended with me coming home hoping to talk to Kitty...you know, to vent or get some kind of reassurance or something. That fails, however, because she had already gone to bed and her aunt didn't want to wake her (I don't blame her, Kitty can be snappy sometimes). So now I didn't even get the release of hearing my love's voice before bed.

Now I sit here contemplating where I when wrong. At what point did I do something so wrong that an entire day had to start with the deception of it being a possible gem and then ended with a $100 fine and the thought of having to pay for registration for my car? I was under the illusion that karma only effected those deserving of it.

Whatever...I don't care. Life has it's way, right? Things work themselves out and as long as I stay true to myself I'll be fine...right? That's the illusion I'll tell myself as I slip into fatigue-guided slumber this morning.

I need a hug -_-
-Flantics out

Well, for those of you that didn't know, I have finally found a new job and have settled into it nicely. While that isn't the reason I'm writing this journal, it is the basic keystone to the reason behind my purpose.

I imagine that, now that my job situation is stable and Kathryn will be out of town for a couple weeks, I will most likely have a little more time on my hands to use for whatever suits my fancy. The problem being, I'm not exactly sure what tickles said fancy.

This is where you guys come in. I'm looking for opinions from those that enjoy my work. I can do one of three things (though I'll likely do them all in one form or another) and I'm curious to know what you guys think I should focus on.

Here are the choices:

1. Drawing more. This possibility may open up a small request line of 2 to 5 people...depending on how much time I actually manufacture.

2. Writing more. I have a few stories that have gone untouched of late and I feel it necessary to touch upon some of them...but should I make that my primary focus?

3. Sprite more. I got a lot of comics that have been neglected lately. Think I should start shelling out a good buffer for a couple of them?

I'm unsure exactly how MUCH time I'll be given but seeing as I won't be focusing all of my time on my other half when I DO get time, I might be able to focus some of it on the more menial things. Let me know what you guys think.

Stay thirsty my friends,
-Flantics out

Have you ever had a moment of realization? One of those rare points in your life that you look back at everything you’ve done up till now and say to yourself ‘damn…I’ve done what’s right by me’?

I don’t often start my journals off with a question but in this case I’ll make an exception. Why? Because, I’ve actually come to that point.

Before I actually start my explanation, let me first clarify something. I am a man of sound. I associate most of my memories with a song that I liked that was playing at that time. For instance, every time I hear “Get Busy” by Sean Paul I remember my senior prom. That explained I can continue.

Recently I heard a song that reminded me of an old friend. Who that is isn’t important but let’s just say that she holds a piece of my heart still to this day. Either way, that memory brought about more memories. Memories of my time here at DA. Memories of my adventures on MSN. Good memories. Bad memories. Memories that make me think ‘Damn…I’ve done what’s right by me’.

Incase you’re curious, the song I heard was “Believe” by The Bravery. Give it a listen. Tell me what you think.

Past, present and future,
Good, bad or ugly,
Never forget,
Never give in,
Live well,
And never regret.

-Flantics out